Sunday, January 13

For the next few days, weeks, or however long it lasts, I am going to put my stream of consciousness writing for each day here. I will write as long as I can, then say break…then come back whenever I have more time.

Another reason I don’t usually attempt the morning pages is because I cannot expect to be uninterrupted with 4 children. Sure, I could get up earlier in the attempt to be alone for a while, but they seem to have some sense that I am up and wake up earlier themselves. It’s probably better if I just deal with the limitations in my life and work with them, since trying to get out from under them never does any good. Right now the 2 middle Moppets are listening a a Redwall CD and the baby is in there with them. I am drinking my morning latte made with reduced fat milk, and just finished a piece of toast made with homemade bread…the first homemade bread that my husband has liked! I got the recipe from a library cookbook, and I like it because it is half whole grain. It has a cup of oats, a stick of butter, 1/3 cup honey and a few cups of whole wheat flour and a few cups of white. I see that my favorite kind of bread is one that has butter in it, but not milk as the liquid (unless I am making croissants) and no eggs (despite my Jewishness, I would not choose a challah if I wanted some bread). My left hip and side of my back are less than comfortable, as usual. No matter how much I exercise, stretch or do yoga type things, it still bothers me. Last week I started doing bellydance workouts, and it’s possible that might give some relief since it is so focused on the hips, but we shall see. I have pretty much resigned myself that this will be something I suffer with my whole life. Break.

Earlier today when I was once again feeling irrational hatred towards the television, I remembered that I get like this every December/January. I guess the number of football games is bumped up as the Super Bowl approaches, and I become as close to a shrew as I ever get. Then I remember that I do this every year. That doesn’t mean that I like the television any better, but it does not monopolize the entire weekend most of the year…but these 6 or so weeks in January feel like eternity. I was just searching for images of gypsies, because One of the Anne Lamott essays I read last night spoke of a movie she had seen about gypsies, and she called the men “dashingly homely”. I was surprised not to find many images, but from the one I did find, that is a good description. Break.

This week has been really hard for me for some reason, although I cringe when I say that, since I know that a bad week for me would be like heaven to billions of people. I know that my bad weeks are almost always caused not by circumstances, but by my bad attitude. This week my bad attitude was focused on the mess that developed in my house last week, which I did not expect. Last Saturday, Husband decided he wanted to begin using a little room in our house that was originally designed as a dressing room – it’s a tiny room between a bathroom and a bedroom, and it has two big closets. I had a conglomeration of things in the closets, and for him to move all his clothes and other things in there, everything had to come out. It all migrated into another room and settled in, like nomads who have found good grazing land for their camels. Now, I am not a person who normally resents household change. Usually I welcome it. But just 5 weeks ago, I had cleaned and rearranged all the closets, which took a week and a half, and having to do it again so soon took teh fun out of it…plus there was the pressure that my very good friend, whom I have not seen in 5 years since she has been living in Croatia, was coming on Friday, so there was no time for lollygagging – but still, I lollygagged some and was also constantly interrupted by real life – meaning hungry children and other things like that. I didn’t cope well. I would get started on something, get distracted and not come back to it, then before I knew it, it was bedtime, and I would wake up to the same mess, grinning smugly at me, as the day approached for my friend’s visit. I know she would not have minded seeing the mess, but I just did not want to give those bags, boxes and hundreds of loose articles a victory. I finally got it all taken care of, pretty late on the evening before she was coming. We had a great time:

Friend and Moppet 4

I thought my bad attitude would evaporate then, but it went into hibernation while my friend was here and then returned yesterday morning. I wonder whether the unexpected return of my monthly cycle only THREE months after Moppet 4 has anything to do with it? I’m not sure, but I know I can’t blame hormones for acting grumpy and short tempered…I can blame them for feeling that way, but I can’t blame them for how I react to the feelings. And it’s just pathetic how these things that would be a windfall of wealth to so many people, annoyed me all week. The closet Husband put his clothes in was neat immediately, though, and it seemed to be mocking me. We have also been as close to flat broke as we have been in a long time. Husband’s work has slowed down enormously and we don’t know why – is it the season or the economy? And he gets paid based on how much money he makes on his plumbing jobs – which can be a windfall, and was through lots of last year. It’s so easy to get used to being prosperous, but it shows my lack of character and lack of faith because I can’t get used to being less than prosperous without worrying. Also, in the typical American fashion, I don’t like having to wait to buy things, or have to pick and choose at the grocery store rather than stocking up completely with every kind of food I might like to have in the house. I wrote about this in my last zine, too. I wonder if God, the Benevolent Schoolmaster, is just letting me know that I did not get the lesson last time, so it’s time for review?

Whenever I feel resentful and discontented I see that it is related to not being thankful. So even though my attitude still stinks, I am going to remember to be thankful for:

- Having stuff that makes life easier and more pleasant – so much of it that it can actually make a mess!

- My husband and children who accept me even when I’m grumpy

- The fact that being flat broke here in this country today is so different from being flat broke in the time when Ken Follett’s novel World Without End is set.

- That even having a limited supply of groceries from my spoiled perspective means that I have lots of good nutritious food, including what many would consider luxuries

- The big, warm bed that I am going to climb into now to escape from my own bad attitude, and the fact that God usually graciously grants us the next morning to start again.

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